Can someone please critique my story?????

The prototype of applegale-part one














Hello. My name is Victoria Vanderblit, one of the defective girls of a town called Applegale. Now, if you took a look at me right as I%26#039;m writing this, you would probably think I%26#039;m a average looking girl, with a curvy body, curly brown hair and almond shaped brown eyes like my beautiful mother, only my mother is thin and her hair is pin straight. However, in the town that I used to live in, Below average is taboo. Average isn%26#039;t good enough. In order to survive in this demented town, you had to be perfect. It was the way of life.





Now, to others, Applegale might appear to be a beautiful and wealthty suburban town. The streets are lined with lush emerald trees, the air is filled with the perfume of apple blossoms, and the houses are exquistively crafted victorian mansions, surrounded with professionally landscaped lawns. Also, the people are so perfect and pristine as well, from their attitudes to their apperances. A smile is always planted on their beautiful faces, no matter how they feel inside. You%26#039;ll never see a down face in Applegale; you will only see happy and blissful faces strutting around the neighborhood with their flawlessly sculpted bodies.





But don%26#039;t let the outside appearance of Applegate fool you. Eventhough they appear perfect, they are poisoned and brainwashed in the inside. They will do everything to appear perfect to the society, to keep up their appearances and to have everyone and even the surroundings to look as perfect as possible- no matter what. They continue to be as wealthty as possible, to continue to have everything their heart desires. Also, they strive to be beautiful , to spend 3 hours everysingle day working out in the gym, and to correct any grosteque flaws by making a visit to their beloved plastic surgeon. And most of all, each family in Applegale mold themselves and give up their individuality in order to mold themselves. The men are the ones who earn the riches, while they run their household in their god like stature. The housewifes only have to be as beautiful, frail, and pristine as possible and help raise the children to conform into the society-if they have any. And the children supposed to be perfect, well mannered and must obtain book intelligence, who must conform into the Applegale%26#039;s ways.





And for anyone who doesn%26#039;t meet the requirements of perfection in Applegale, they are either alienated, secretly ridiculed, or made perfect by countless bottles of cosmetics and/or plastic surgery. Some, however, were even killed in result of being defective, from being drowned in Orchid lake, to complications in result of being under the knife of the process of being the prototypes of perfection. Some even commited sudicide, because they couldn%26#039;t take the society of Applegale so much longer. But people from the outside world never knew about any of the towns inperfections, due to bribery. Most citizens in Applegale were multi millionares, so they gave a large fourtune to keep the grieving family and the police force quiet. Most of the time, they gave in to the large pile of money and never spoke another word about it. Applegale was a unofficial dictatorship, with most of the citizens being the dictator to theirselves.





But, I was lucky for only being alienated, instead of killed from my fellow neighbors. When I was born, I was a very beautiful baby, always adored by others. But as I got older, my deformity began to settle into my skin. I was cursed by discoloration as a large spot stood out in on the side of my face. My parents, ashamed and embarrassed by having to deal with a deformed child, immediately took me to get it fixed. But after the plastic surgeon practically laughed in my parent%26#039;s face and told me that a 7 year old was way too young to go under the knife, they gave up their plans to cancel out my flaws.Well almost, at least.





Right after we came from the plastic surgeon%26#039;s office, I can remember that whole scene while I was in the car with my parents. I can remember the atmosphere. It was so thick with tension, that I could barely breathe. Then, I can vividly remember my mother ask my father,





%26quot;James. Can we please go to the mall right now? It%26#039;s important.%26quot;





He replied, %26quot;Alice, I don%26#039;t see why not. But don%26#039;t take long. I have a meeting at 4.%26quot;





So we pulled up to the mall%26#039;s parking lot. Personally, I never was so fond of going to the mall, so normally, I always stayed in the car with my dad.





But then, my mother demanded, %26quot;Victoria. Please get out out of the car. You%26#039;re going with me today.%26quot;





%26quot;But I don%26#039;t want to go mom!%26quot;, I replied, as tears started to caress my eyes.





%26quot;Now!%26quot; She ordered.





So Then I climbed out of the car with my mother, as she grabbed my hand. At first, I was very oblivious of the reason why she was taking me to the mall with her when she already knew that I hated it. Then suddenly, the reason washed over me and consumed me like a giant wave.





We walked all through the mall, through perfect familes with their children who stared at the side of my face, groups of teenagers whispered and giggled to each other and result of seeing me, and even solitary people looked up. I just wanted to disappear. I wanted to melt and saturate into the floor so escape that horrible feeling of being the freak.





Then, finally, we stopped at a cosmetic boutique. We entered the store, and I was awashed by expensive smells of perfume and body cream. Not suprisingly, the store was only occupied by only a few customers, excluding the saleswoman, who was walking towards our direction.





When she was only a couple feet away from my mom and I she glanced at my mother, and then at me, Her eyes immediately flinched at my sight and then it immediately went back to my mother. Then she asked, %26quot;Hello. How may I help you?%26quot;





My mom smiled with her pearly white smile and then replied, %26quot;Yes. Where can I find the foundation?%26quot;





The saleswoman pointed over to the left of the small boutique as she said, %26quot; It%26#039;s right over there, Here, let me show you.%26quot;





We followed her as she guided us, and I couldn%26#039;t help but to look at her. She was the typical resident of Applegale, with a heartshaped face ,occupied with prominent blue eyes and full, cherry lacqured lips, with silky, chestnut colored locks cascading down her back. Her body was also very thin and long, clad in a clean and crisp ralph lauren polo, khaki bermunda shorts, and her feet fitted perfectly in her wedges. I wouldn%26#039;t be suprised if she used to be a supermodel.





Then we arrived there, to the shelf of countless foundation bottles, concealer, and face powder.





%26quot;Thank you so much for helping us.%26quot;, My mother said





%26quot; No problem miss.%26quot;, the saleswoman replied.





After a long period of time, my mother finally chose one bottle of foundation, that was my exact skin color, and a tube of concealer. Then we walked up to the counter as she paid for the items with the credit card. Then, we finally left.





An hour after I got home, I was sitting in my room, playing with dolls, deep in my imagination based world. Then, a knock, followed by a voice brought me back into reality.


%26quot;Victoria? Are you in there? %26quot;, my mother asked.


%26quot;%26#039;Yes mother.%26quot;


%26quot;Well I need to speak to you.%26quot;, she demanded.


My bedroom door opened.


After my mother walked in with her tote and settled in a overstuffed chair, she said, %26quot; Come over here, would you?%26quot;


I grabbed a pillow, and then sat on the floor across from her.


Then she asked, %26quot; Do you want to know why I took you with me to the cosmetic boutique?%26quot;


%26quot;No,%26quot; I lied, still in denial about the whole situation.


%26quot; Well Victoria, I don%26#039;t want you to be the freak of this neighborhood with that scar. I can%26#039;t take you to the plasic surgeon, so here is the product that will make you normal.%26quot;


%26quot;But Mom,%26quot; I asked, %26quot;what does it matter whether I%26#039;m normal or not? Why can%26#039;t I be a regular kid?%26quot;


%26quot;Vicky, let me give you a bit of wisdom here. People in this town do not care about the inner contents of you, they only care about your appearances. They will judge you by that scar and only by it; and they wouldn%26#039;t care how you%26#039;re really like inside if you%26#039;re flawed. So please follow my advice, or your life in this town will be a terrible place for you for many years to come. %26quot;


Then, my mother bended down and reached into her tote, grabbing the foundation and face powder.


She continued,%26quot; So here is the product that will make you normal. Please wear it or your not going to fit in this society. As a matter of fact, I%26#039;m going to show you how to put it on right now.%26quot;





So, without hesitation, I let her apply the foundation, eventhough in the inside, I was screaming, begging her to stop. I didn%26#039;t want this oily stuff on my skin like a adult, I wanted to be a kid. However, on that day, I wasn%26#039;t a kid anymore. That was the first day of trying to be the prototype of Applegale.

Can someone please critique my story?????
way to much too read. i%26#039;m sorry. can you just summerize it for me. i%26#039;m not trying to be rude or mean by not reading it. it%26#039;s just that it%26#039;s too long and my computar will heat up. i%26#039;m sorry. i know how it feels like too when you want someone to critique your story and no one will do it. maybe i%26#039;ll do it later.
Reply:So let me guess, you live in Greenwitch, CT? Been there...





or is this story about Wilton, CT? i heard it can be worse.





Greenwitch is full of blondes but wilton might have more chestnut haired ones -- so i%26#039;m guessing -- Wilton!





usually i don%26#039;t say anything to these sorts of things because i have nothing to say that will be listened to. i gave up on writing when i realised that the same ppl who pay you to write are the only ppl who can SELL what you write, so if you write what you want to write you can%26#039;t sell it. i suggested advertising my book on Second Life and didn%26#039;t quite get flamed but gave up -- apparently i%26#039;d be %26quot;taking advantage%26quot; of ppl by making them look at a 2-d billboard having 5 words on it simply because i was advertising a real-world product and not a virtual one (which would be ok).





But to your story....


starts of good but gets too bitter too fast. they say %26quot;show, don%26#039;t tell%26quot;. You show -- THEN tell, and tell, and tell. write out on a seperate piece of paper what is the point of ever sentance such as %26quot;emphais on plastic surgery%26quot; and delete every repetition.


For exmaple %26quot;They will do everything to appear perfect to the society, to keep up their appearances and to have everyone and even the surroundings to look as perfect as possible- no matter what.%26quot; is not needed sentance because you show that before and after by saying what they DO which speaks that sentance for you. you have lots like that.





you seem to have a good natural style but it is confounded by lots of un-neede words? guess you need to proof read but i think you know that.





you did capture SOMETHING there that makes me want to read it, to know what happens next, possibly because i%26#039;ve SEEN Greenwitch, CT. I%26#039;m curious how having makeup alters this girl%26#039;s life -- i mean she really hates but is wearing it, and so the other ppl (being as shallow as they are) will only see that she is wearing it (not that she hates it) and will probably like her and be nice to her no matter what she thinks about them or feels about her makup... i know all that (no need to TELL me because you shown it) but i still don%26#039;t know where exactly it is going so i want to know.





still, keep in mind, that the only way write what YOU want to write and to get it read is to have a RESUME and a PORTFOLIO of published works -- and the only way to get that is to major in creative writing and then work for some fashion magazin or auto mechic or something. only once you have a name for yourself and you know editor%26#039;s children%26#039;s names can you write what you want to write -- AND GET IT SOLD.


i know i know -- someone told you %26quot;follow ur dreams and don%26#039;t listen to anyone who tells you otherwise%26quot; but consider yourself warned. your gonna end up on lulu.com with only friends for readers -- no matter how well you write -- and you do make ME want to keep reading what you wrote (despite the clearly amateur flaws in your writing - repetition and style) so i think you are good.


i%26#039;m just saying if you really wanna write, do it the right way -- don%26#039;t do what i did and follow %26quot;art%26quot; but make a %26quot;career%26quot; out of it. i would recomend a double major -- creative writing and a 2nd one for a career you can be sure will pay you enough so you don%26#039;t end up living with your parents and unemployed for the rest of your life... that would be really an embarassment in Applegate...
Reply:it%26#039;s pretty good, but a little harsh. but overall pretty good.
Reply:Honestly, I didn%26#039;t read the entire thing but from what I saw, I thought it was pretty good. Maybe try and find other words to supplement %26quot;so%26quot; and %26quot;then.%26quot; I like the storyline so far though.