What do you think of the excerpt of my story?

Hello. My name is Victoria Vanderblit, one of the defective girls of a town called Applegale. Now, if you took a look at me right as I%26#039;m writing this, you would probably think I%26#039;m a average looking girl, with a curvy body, curly brown hair and almond shaped brown eyes like my beautiful mother, only my mother is thin and her hair is pin straight. However, in the town that I used to live in, Below average is taboo. Average isn%26#039;t good enough. In order to survive in this demented town, you had to be perfect. It was the way of life.





Now, to others, Applegale might appear to be a beautiful and wealthty suburban town. The streets are lined with lush emerald trees, the air is filled with the perfume of apple blossoms, and the houses are exquistively crafted victorian mansions, surrounded with professionally landscaped lawns. Also, the people are so perfect and pristine as well, from their attitudes to their apperances. A smile is always planted on their beautiful faces, no matter how they feel inside. You%26#039;ll never see a down face in Applegale; you will only see happy and blissful faces strutting around the neighborhood with their flawlessly sculpted bodies.





But don%26#039;t let the outside appearance of Applegate fool you. Eventhough they appear perfect, they are poisoned and brainwashed in the inside. They will do everything to appear perfect to the society, to keep up their appearances and to have everyone and even the surroundings to look as perfect as possible- no matter what. They continue to be as wealthty as possible, to continue to have everything their heart desires. Also, they strive to be beautiful , to spend 3 hours everysingle day working out in the gym, and to correct any grosteque flaws by making a visit to their beloved plastic surgeon. And most of all, each family in Applegale mold themselves and give up their individuality in order to mold themselves. The men are the ones who earn the riches, while they run their household in their god like stature. The housewifes only have to be as beautiful, frail, and pristine as possible and help raise the children to conform into the society-if they have any. And the children supposed to be perfect, well mannered and must obtain book intelligence, who must conform into the Applegale%26#039;s ways.





And for anyone who doesn%26#039;t meet the requirements of perfection in Applegale, they are either alienated, secretly ridiculed, or made perfect by countless bottles of cosmetics and/or plastic surgery. Some, however, were even killed in result of being defective, from being drowned in Orchid lake, to complications in result of being under the knife of the process of being the prototypes of perfection. Some even commited sudicide, because they couldn%26#039;t take the society of Applegale so much longer. But people from the outside world never knew about any of the towns inperfections, due to bribery. Most citizens in Applegale were multi millionares, so they gave a large fourtune to keep the grieving family and the police force quiet. Most of the time, they gave in to the large pile of money and never spoke another word about it. Applegale was a unofficial dictatorship, with most of the citizens being the dictator to theirselves.





But, I was lucky for only being alienated, instead of killed from my fellow neighbors. When I was born, I was a very beautiful baby, always adored by others. But as I got older, my deformity began to settle into my skin. I was cursed by discoloration as a large spot stood out in on the side of my face. My parents, ashamed and embarrassed by having to deal with a deformed child, immediately took me to get it fixed. But after the plastic surgeon practically laughed in my parent%26#039;s face and told me that a 7 year old was way too young to go under the knife, they gave up their plans to cancel out my flaws.Well almost, at least.

What do you think of the excerpt of my story?
The concept of Applegate, a city with beatiful, perfect people, is pretty cliche, as well as the girl who doesn%26#039;t fit in. I have to say I don%26#039;t like the character Victoria Vanderblit much-she seems too whiny. And if a reader doesn%26#039;t like your protagonist when the book is in first person, it%26#039;s over. But this is only the beginning, most beginnings are cliche, and I would keep reading. You really express the characters feelings well, along with the settings and problems, but if you use that great expression too much it does get to seem like the main character is complaining.
Reply:it was hard for me to continue reading, it was all just description, description, description. i was thinking at first that it was like a journal entry, but with journal entries there are accounts of specific things that happen. i.e. %26quot; take suzan for example, from birth everyone said she was a golden child, a knock-out in the making, that is untill she hit puberty. by age 15 she had been under the knife a grand total of seventeen time, but unfortunatly that wasn%26#039;t enough to save her from the %26quot;Accident%26quot; at Orchid Lake%26quot;





there could also be conversations she either had or overheard. I%26#039;m assuming that the intro is the only thing written in that format and that the rest of the story is in regular story form?
Reply:Hmmmm... nice, compelling. Try not to overuse adjectives though. What I mean is, we learn so much more from a character or place by how they respond to an event. Remember, actions speak MUCH louder than words. Don%26#039;t forget to avoid clumsy introduction words either. A misplaced %26quot;also%26quot; can detract from a story more than you think. Take the gap their and fill it with a scene change that could give the reader more insight.